DEAD MEN DON’T WEAR SPEEDOS

By Corky Carroll
 
I have, on occasion, told you stories about my slightly off center pals Blue Dog and the Iguana.  I try not to overdo it though.  The problem is that there is so much classic material to work with that it’s hard for me to resist sometimes.  THIS is one of those times.  I have been holding back on this story for ages and think that finally it’s time to tell this one. 
 
It involves the “Iguana.”  My neighbor and long-time surfing pal.  I will give a little bit of background for those of you who don’t read me on a regular basis.  The Iguana is the former chief of lifeguards from the city of Seal Beach.  He was one of the first big wave riders during the pioneer years on the North Shore of Hawaii and is very respected in the surfing community.  He is also semi to more than semi crazy.  I love the dude.  He keeps me laughing all the time.  This is the same dude that had the frozen dog in his freezer and also lives with six dogs, three cats, a goat and a burro.  I am not making this up either.  I have personally witnessed the goat and burro having dinner together in the living room while the Iguana and all the dogs and cats are eating in the backyard.  What is wrong with that picture? 
 
The Iguana wears a straw hat with a bicycle horn attached to it.  He also wears Speedos all the time.  Mostly very old rotten, torn and stained Speedos.  Absolutely horribly wrong. The Iguana is also known for not having real good luck with women.  As a matter of fact he has probably had the worst history with women of anybody I know.  It’s beyond sad.  At the moment he is married to a woman who hates him and pretty much emotionally and financially abuses the heck out of him on a regular basis.  She doesn’t live with him.  The period they were together was brief and for the most part not all that romantic.  He lived in a trailer while she lived next door in a nice apartment.  He was not allowed in the apartment either.  She had six dogs and they were all trained to bite him if he came around.  And that was during the honeymoon period.  It got worse from there.   Now he is living with a house full of animals and there are rumors and innuendo about him and the goat.
 
To say the Iguana has gone past the line would be a far over understatement.   But he does have a history of not always being on the inside of that line.  He is currently 67 years old. He got married when he was about 60 and this was his first marriage.  Before that he only had one real girlfriend in his whole life.  See what I mean about back luck with chicks. 
 
The story of how his previous romance ended is the heart of today’s column. 
 
When the Iguana was a young man he was a good-looking dude and a lifeguard.  I am not sure why he didn’t do well with women.  I think that he is one of those dudes who are like “too nice.”  He has a heart of gold.  Sometimes chicks don’t go for that.  They say they want a good guy but really they crave being with bad boys.  Girls always sort of got the upper hand with the Iguana and he never really learned the “moves,” so to speak.  But then he met this one girl and they hit it off and for awhile he had a romance going.  And for awhile it was wonderful.  Until he took her on a surf trip across the border to Mexico.  
 
This was way back when there was almost nothing between Tijuana and Ensanada.  There was the Rosarito Beach Hotel and the Halfway House and not too much else.  The Halfway House was a great place to get Lobster dinners. 
 
The Iguana and his girlfriend had just finished a Lobster feast and were taking a walk on the beach.  All was romantic and blissful until they came upon a dead guy lying on the beach. The Iguana, being a lifesaver, checked the dude out and he was definitely dead.  The girl was ready to split when all of a sudden the Iguana stopped and went back to the dead guy. The corpse was wearing Speedos.  
 
“These are perfectly good Speedos,” says the Iguana as he starts taking them off the dead dude.  The girl screams and runs away.  That was the end of the romance.
 
Later, in horror, she asks him, “Why did you do that?”
 
His earnest reply was, “dead men don’t wear Speedos!”